desperately seeking kitties

I find myself wanting to rush home these days, and if I'm already home, wanting to run upstairs constantly, so that I can check on the cat. I know she's not there, but I still feel compelled.

When I'm drifting off to sleep, I imagine a very soft, very warm, purring and fuzzy bundle next to me, drifting off in synchrony with me. I don't know if it helps me go to sleep, but it sure is a nice thought.

At work today, I printed out a few pictures of Ms. J and put them on my wall. It's so nice to look at them, especially since I took them when she was (more) healthy and bright-eyed.

Last night, I dreamt of Juliet for the first time since she's died. We were at the vet's (as we were on Friday) and we had her put down, and then I got ready to bring her home. There was some discussion about how she was dead, but I brought her anyways. When we got home, she sat up on the bed, attentively, not sick at all. Not snuggling, but healthy.

I know this is all part of grieving and of processing through events of past weeks. She will probably visit me more in my dreams. It is usually a huge relief when someone who has died manages to convey to me in my dreams that they're ok, and maybe someday Juliet will do that too.

This evening, on the way home from work, I went to visit one of the owners of the place where I used to board Juliet. I had left notes for both owners, and I was greeted with a big hug. We talked for a while, and then I went to check out what I call the "kitty museum." Some of the kitties were running around and nudging me, and I petted them. It felt so good to see healthy and happy cats, and to have some snuzzling time.

Finally, a few friends and I have been imagining kitty heaven. One person said that it was where kitties get wings and flutter about and play with all the winged mice. Another person talked about cats running through fields of flowers with lots of hunting opportunities. I still think kitty heaven is bowls of tuna, lots of down comforters, and much sunshine. But all those scenes sound wonderful to me.