the endless fight within

From my friend Carl D:

A Cherokee Indian elder was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self- pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside
of you, and inside every other person, too."

The children thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee elder replied simply ... "The one you feed."

turkeys for Thanksgiving

This year, New York did not sit well with me. It was dirty and bleak, with bad architecture, even nastier people than ever (Robert, the ever polite, got the finger from a very pretty, well made-up driver). And my family... shall we say that if I was twice as gracious as my uncle, I'd feel ashamed of myself? The funny thing is that when we see him with "real guests," he's amazingly gracious, funny, and pleasant. But he went from crabby in previous years to downright abusive this year. My aunt was only slightly better, though I did have some pleasant conversations with her when there were just two of us. It was clear we were barely tolerated, which was better treatment than my mother got.

Robert, in his sweet way, opined that my aunt and uncle haven't wanted to host Thanksgivings for years now, which may be true, but I feel so much pressure from them to show up. Perhaps we should give them a break next year. We'd do better, I think, to have Thanksgiving by oursleves or to wangle an invitation with someone up here, or just to go to Ptown and have a relaxing weekend.

One highlight (for R, my mother, and me) was visiting Robert's sister and her family. The kids took a while to come out of their shells, but once they did, they were very sweet. The girls worked puzzles and danced, and the whole family sang together. The baby played quietly by himself and got lots of snuggling from the five adults present. Robert's sister even prepared a meal for us, a very lovely surprise, and something she hasn't been able to do for a while for obvious reasons.

We came home and talked to our United States parents, went out to dinner for south Indian comfort food, sat in front of the fire, and worked a puzzle ourselves. After a night's sleep in my own bed, I'm feeling much better. Oh, and even more grateful for my acquired family.

sad news from a friend

I heard from my dear friend Kevin tonight. I've known Kevin for years, and he often calls when I least expect it. He used to call me from Ireland, and then he moved to California and continued to stay in touch. He's had some outrageous and hilarious adventures, at least in retrospect, and is now married to a man he's known for over a decade (and whom I also like a great deal). Kevin and Dick are very settled together.

So I was delighted to hear from Kevin this evening. Alas, he was calling with sad news -- his father died yesterday or the day before. I last talked to Kevin just before his October trip to Ireland; he was bubbling about seeing his dad and finally having the opportunity to introduce at least one of his now grown children to Dick. We ended that conversation on a very hopeful and happy note.

And then today's call. It turns out that Kevin's father was visiting K's brother, Brandon, in Long Island. Things have been going right for this family; Brandon is happily married, they have a young son, and they just bought a house. During the visit, Kevin's dad somehow fell down the basement steps, and somehow while Brandon was calling 911, managed to walk back upstairs under his own steam. There was internal bleeding and surgery to correct it, followed by a heart attack and eventually, his heart stopped.

And yet, so many things to be thankful for. Kevin came east fairly quickly; Dick followed a few days later. Kevin's sisters arrived from Ireland. So they were all able to be with their dad near the end. This family seems to get along. Kevin, who doesn't hold back, has nothing but kind words for his siblings (and I'm sure, they for him), and they all adore Dick. And Kevin knew that his father loved him.

But still. And now they're all headed back to Ireland on Thursday and Friday -- all four siblings, Dick, Kevin's dad, and perhaps others. I am so grateful that Kevin called me and so saddened at this news. Kevin has told me so many delightful stories about his father. I wondered aloud if he might try to gather some of these stories and write them down (both Kevin's father and Kevin were and are excellent writers).

And a PS -- my friend Marlene's husband, Rick, died a year ago Monday. Such a sad time.

late November

24 degrees this morning and we awake to a hard frost. My car is now in its garage so I just need to start and go when I leave for the pool in a few minutes. I'll have a shorter swim today, then a longer one tomorrow; I've swapped days off to have a longer holiday.

Daniel continues to be on my mind. He inhabits a little corner there and comes to the forefront as we go through this first year without him. I'll stumble across something I know he'd enjoy or that I'd be sending email to him about. I'll think about him dancing slightly awkwardly, but always with an enormous grin on his face. That's one thing I know we shared -- that intense joy that dancing brought and brings us. And of course, Thanksgiving. In years when we didn't go to Manhattan, we often ended up at Daniel's house, surrounded by parts of his birth and acquired family. Graham might be there, perhaps a sister and her family, and always a quirky assortment of delightful others. The chaos that accompanied his preparing a large meal was blessedly different from that of my own birth family's chaos. I took a lot of comfort from being part of his family, as I know many people did. I miss him and sometimes my memories bring me a smile rather than a tear.

work -- the only thing constant is change.

well, work has been getting more fun. I can tell because I'm getting into it more and not minding staying til I get to a good stopping point. Alas, though, my boss, whom I very much like, is leaving. It sounds like there's a bad mismatch between him and the pres, although the pres originally hired him. I've been lucky enough to spend time talking to my boss about how he feels and what led up to all this, and the group and the company.

They've already hired a replacement. I was of course concerned that things would get awful, but... this guy seems really good -- sensitive, astute, smart as a whip. I've also spent time talking to him, both in email and in a 1-on-1. I was quite frank with him (up to a limit) about strengths and weaknesses, and easy and hard things, in the organization. (On the topics that I didn't want to get into, I at least suggested whom he should talk to and the very vague areas he should ask about.) We've talked about technical issues and people issues. And I've gotta say I'm impressed -- he seems to get it, and he seems to have observed some of the potential trouble spots already. Even my current boss, gracious and dignified man that he is, seems to like him a lot. So I'm hopeful that things will continue to go at least as well as they have so far.

And you know what? Quitting a job once this year has given me tremendous courage. While I don't want to offend anyone, I'm also trying hard not to hold back. And I realize now that quitting isn't nearly as hard as I thought it was. I'd like to stay, but now I feel like I have true options should things not work out. And that feels good.

battening down the hatches and a celebration

We've been getting ready for winter. We don't go through enouagh wood every year to warrant an annual delivery. Somehow with all the construction, we went through very little wood last year, despite the cold weather. So we haven't had to worry this year about carting and stacking firewood. But I did my next-to-last mow two weeks ago, followed by a fair amount of snow that stuck and eventually melted, and I did my last mow of the season yesterday. About mid-October, we turned on the heat, and all the windows were closed. The new storm doors are up; the garage door openers are in (so no more morning scraping!). And this weekend, I changed from percale to flannel sheets on the bed. Except for getting the snow blower tuned, I think we're ready for what comes at us over the next few months.

I must say that unlike my sistern and brethern, I *loved* watching the snow come down last week. It was stunning.

Now for the celebration. Robert received an invitation to GLAD's (Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders -- glad.org) one-year anniversary celebration of the legalization of same-sex marriage. We went. It was in a big fancy Boston hotel with hundreds of people there. (The paper said 300; I think there were more.) The first part was a panel discussion with three advocates, including Mary Bonauto, lead attorney for the case, and one of the married couples, Julie and Hillary Goodridge.

Bonauto got a standing ovation (that lasted forever) just for being introduced; she deserved it. As the panelists spoke, the message I heard was that this will be a long struggle, but there's a lot of hope, and we need to keep fighting not only for our own rights, but for rights across the states. We heard that the nation is shifting its attitude, and that the loss in the eleven states (eleven states voted to amend their states' consititions to ban gay marriage) was expected, difficult, and still, we shouldn't lose heart. Discussion ranged from suicide among gay youth, to whether this issue cost the election to the Democrats (general feeling is it didn't) to what the experience of the Goodridge family has been like (they've received far more support than they expected). Lovely.

And of course, we ran into many friends, including some we'd lost touch with. We saw Mary and Bonnie from down the street -- I was at their commitment ceremony in 1990 and they just got married. They're retired now, and living a happy life. And we talked for a long time to a man we met in Wakefield a year ago -- he was the main speaker after a celebration for the SJC ruling, itself. He also wrote one of the friends-of-the-court briefs, and earlier, had clerked for Margaret Marshall, our state supreme court chief justice. Lovely man. I hope we cross paths again.

a helping paw

Last night, at a local theater, we met a woman accompanied by an enthusiastic young dog in a cape, a superhero of sorts. Turns out that the dog is being trained to assist a lucky deaf or disabled person. And the woman is its weekend foster mommy. During the week, the dog lives up at the local prison, and has been raised since it was small by a prisoner (great program). But it turns out that dogs who stay in prison only are spooked by the outside world -- pictures on the walls and so on (and what does that say about our fellow humans who are in prison and then get out). So to make the eventual transition a little easier on the dog, it stays in prison just for the work week and has a foster parent on the outside for weekends. This animal was bright and alert and loved all the attention it was receiving, but was absolutely quiet during the play, better, I think than most humans. I'm sure it will provide great service to some deserving person.

I told the foster mommy this story: my friend Jeff has an assistance dog named Ember. Jeff and Ember used to live in a household in which Sean and his pal Polar lived. Polar noticed that *some* dogs got treats when the microwave rang and they let their human know. So Polar made it a point to bring her (hearing) human to the microwave next time it rang and then expected a treat too. Smart animal.

random...

Just read that a 56-year old woman gave birth to twins. More power to her -- it means that she'll be 75 and probably hobbled by arthritis and high cholesterol by the time they graduate from high school. (Not to mention those middle-of-the-night bad dreams when she's 60, though who's to know whether the initial awakenings will be hers or her kids.) And she chose this?

My dad voted in a US election for the first time since he voted for JFK. Somehow, the US citizenship laws changed, so he's now able to claim dual citizenship in Canada and the US. He told me he voted a straight Democratic ticket out of Chicago, but I assume that in keeping with his anti-traditional style, he voted only once. And he was alive when he did it.

Two sites meant to comfort the 49% minority:
No good American will be left behind
http://www.marryanamerican.ca/

Sorry World -- we tried
http://www.sorryeverybody.com/
Truly delightful.

And my friend Dr. Curmudgeon has *truly* redefined marriage:
http://www.cafepress.com/drbanks.14525788

Meanwhile, work continues to be (mostly) fun. It took 6 or 7 weeks for the honeymoon to be disrupted, but not destroyed. Been having some good conversations with co-workers, and I'm just pleased as punch that my writing coworker has arrived (yeah!). I have a peer! Further, we're releasing the next version early next week, and I've been able to contribute in a fairly satisfying, if not entirely significant, way without stretching myself too thin. I really like the engineers -- they're for the most part incredibly sweet and enthusiastic, and they cheerfully write first drafts of technically complex material for me. I'm stunned.

Meanwhile, back at the (well, it's not exactly a ranch), we've been having fun with some last decorating projects. The garage is nearly cleaned out, with more going tomorrow, and Robert slowly getting rid of some last electronica that he no longer wants. Next week -- garage door openers. For some reason, not having them has felt like a hardship (ok, go ahead and laugh, but I *like* putting my car in the garage, and I'm already getting tired of scraping frost). That, and during the coldest part of last winter having to go downstairs in the middle of the night to pee and just having subflooring to step on. Icky. But that part of the project is well behind us. It's nice living here. Sometimes I come home and think "oooh. Real grownups live here. Oh yeah. Welcome home."

And much as I enjoyed my solitary lifestyle for so many years, I like having someone to share this place with. I love coming home to a devoted kitty; it's even nicer that there's another human here, one whom I like and love.

Back to watching the random stream flow by, with more selections to come.