just in case you're not a fb friend

I've succumbed to the "25 things" meme that's traveling around FaceBook like a virus. Here is my take --

[you're supposed to paste this preamble into the beginning of the note]
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I have a hard time following directions. Hence, in this note, I've tagged one person -- the person who tagged me, and no one else. So sue me.

2. For a living, I write instructions that I expect other people to follow. I'm off duty right now.

3. I've never wanted to bear or raise children of my own. I tremendously admire others who choose to do so.

4. I was bat mitzvahed but didn't have to learn much Hebrew (those modern takes on religion - feh).

5. One of the few Hebrew words I remember is shekkit, which means shut up. This came in handy one night in the countryside in Ecuador.

6. In addition to Jewish Sunday school, I've attended Unitarian Sunday school and an Episcopalean high school.

7. A friend would consider me a savage, at least on most days, but hopefully a sweet one. He'll probably be deeply disappointed to read this about me.

8. I was once nearly arrested driving across Michigan's UP (upper peninsula). After being followed for miles by a cruiser until I was convinced he'd lost interest, he finally turned on his blue lights. We were immediately blocked from leaving the parking lot where we'd pulled over and suddenly men were rushing at us with guns. No, I didn't notice they were in the safety position. They took one look at our licenses, apologized profusely and explained that we were not the felons they were looking for. I made my friend take over driving after that -- I was shaking too hard.

9. Later, in New Jersey, I was nearly arrested with the same friend who was arrested that time. Suddenly, our car was surrounded by state cops -- where did they come from? When the car was released before my friend, he had to explain how to start it (something to do with fiddling with the carburetor) with his hands cuffed behind his back. My mother's lawyer finally wired us the bail money.

10. I love going to Cape Cod in the winter. I have friends who go the same weekend each year and we stay in the same B&B together. We hardly ever see each other during the rest of the year.

11. A friend who has a zuni bear tattoo has inspired me to get a zuni cat tattoo, or at least to talk about it a lot.

12. I've always loved cats, even though no one else in my mother's family much likes them. I seem to have gotten it from my father's side. My brother's daughter loves cats too, and I feel very proud of any small contribution I've made to that aspect of her personality.

13. One of my current cats came to us so frightened that we named her for the Hawaiian word for courage -- Koa. Think about it -- how many girls' names mean "courage"? How many boys'?

14. I swim a mile twice a week. Lately, I've been trying to extend one of my weekly swims. Yesterday, I covered one-and-a-third miles. Nice accomplishment given that when I first started, I couldn't do the crawl across one pool length without feeling hopelessly out of breath.

15. My husband and I have separate phone numbers. His parents and his ex-partner are the only people who knowingly call the right number to speak to one of us. (not that it really matters -- we both answer both phones.)

16. In the summer, we belong to a CSA (community supported agriculture farm). I lug home vegetables and cook like a demon. I think I've become a better cook as a result of getting in so much practice.

17. I have many friends who've left the priesthood for a variety of reasons (the tipping point for one friend was that he finally met the man of his dreams). I have one friend who left, then recently went back. I deeply admire all these choices -- bold and conscious.

18. I used to hang out with a bunch of lesbian former nuns. I always felt like they had left the church, but somehow the church hadn't left them. It was the only social group I've ever been part of that held religious ceremonies (but not from a "standard" religion) as part of their get-togethers.

19. I love talking to and supporting people who are in the midst of making huge changes in their life -- be it around work, spiritual life, or living situation.

20. Most of my truly profound life experiences have involved helping friends die. It's not the most fun that can be had, but the experiences have left me profoundly humbled and grateful.

21. I was haunted by nightmares for years until I trained myself to have them again with different outcomes. I now rarely have a scary dream.

22. I try to eat chocolate every day, even if it's just a small amount. Definitely one of the minimum daily requirements.

23. One of my favorite forms of artistic expression is making dance camp buttons. They're name tags put through a button machine. We each make our own, often out of collages or clever excerpts of pictures from magazines. I have a fairly large collection and I love picking out just the right one to go with my outfit or to honor one friend or another.

24. When I first moved to this area, I decided to take courses in subjects I could never have studied at college. My first course was in car repair. Although I don't understand modern computerized cars, at one point, I had a fairly good understanding of how a car worked and could do a lot of the work myself.

25. For a short while, I earned a minuscule living making costumes for the Boston Ballet.

26. Did I say I can't follow instructions?

birthday washout

My birthday this year was a washout -- quite literally. I awoke to gently falling snow. We were slated for a Huge! Winter! Storm! -- the kind that sends people to the store in crazed droves to fight over the one remaining can of vegetarian haggis that no one really intends to eat.

I went to work, me and a handful of people -- everyone else worked at home. It was quiet. The hallways were dark. I actually got some work done. I was a little lonely, to be honest. Robert stayed home and worked but forgot to check on the storm status.

At the end of the day, when I called to say I was coming home, he mentioned that perhaps it would be good to start clearing the driveway. Unfortunately, by that time, it had been raining for hours. All that newly fallen snow looked good but after absorbing water, weighed a ton. Robert was manning the snowblower, so I got to shovel out the walkway. Ugh!! (And yes, next time this happens, I'll call mid-day and suggest getting started earlier.)

Once the driveway was clear, Robert, who worked outdoors longer than I did, was exhausted. So we went out to dinner, since I think I need a night off from the kitchen on my birthday. We went to a newish place we both like a lot. It's just been noticed by the Boston Globe, so maybe it will stay in business for a while. We even splurged and had dessert -- a stripey chocolate / white mousse with cake crumbs. Yum.

By the time we got home and did more chores, it was too late for presents -- I knew I wouldn't even appreciate them, and Robert was more tired than I, so we just went to bed.

Besides having a day in which nothing awful happened, one of the hugest highlights was a whole set of notes from friends and family that trickled in all day. It was so nice to be remembered (thank you!). A couple of Robert's high school friends even sent greetings accompanied by lovely messages. And Robert's parents very sweetly sent a card and a present and called.

We then called Robert's grandfather who had turned 101 that day. He was in top form and reported that many women had kissed him at his party, which made him feel that he'd had a very good day indeed.

So the weather was a washout. The day was not spectacular, but very pleasant.

Last evening, we went to a concert by a local symphony orchestra. It featured the winner of a youth competition who admirably performed a Shostakovich cello concerto. He really brought out the elements of the piece. We sat behind the proud parents, who left after their son performed. That piece was preceded by a ballet by Elliott Carter. It's his 100th birthday, so many groups are performing his work this year. The piece was mostly tolerable. For dessert, we had a symphony by Mendelssohn, much more to my pedestrian tastes.

And today, friends are coming for lunch. Then I pack and tomorrow I'm off to DC for momcare.

long week, terrific community event

Last night, we celebrated the 20th anniversary of dancing together in Jamaica Plain with an afternoon advanced contra dance (and an outstanding snack break), followed by dinner (potluck)and movies (of dancers from 17 years ago), followed by a regular dance, including an outstanding dessert potluck. Oh my. We had three bands, five or six callers, and hordes of dancers, more than I've ever seen in the hall before. We had decorations and table cloths, and a lot of joyous people. The dancing was wonderful, even at one point when I lost my partner and ended up with someone else and a third person on the sidelines tried to have a conversation with me while I was trying to get my new partner going. (The conversation lost out.)

Some of the dancers came from New York (upstate and city), Vermont, and Maine. I chatted with a lot of people, including one friend who came up from Philadelphia and mentioned that he's hoping to move to our area, mostly because he's so amazed by the community we have formed and held on to. (And I'm so glad; he'll be a great addition to our group; we usually see him only at dance camp.) I talked to another man who is a public-interest lawyer working for prisoner rights. Long ago, he was a corporate lawyer, then dropped out and went to Mexico, worked in an AIDS hospice, and then went to Divinity School in Massachusetts before stumbling into his current job. He knows that the state funding cuts will probably affect his job and he's looking forward to the next door opening, the next adventure.

I had the privilege of dancing with a friend who's having arthritis-like trouble in her shoulders; we decided to lock eyes instead of arms and fairly sizzled up and down the set. Another friend just had elbow surgery (ouch ouch ouch) and is in a sling and cast. We figured out how to dance together and the beaming smile on his face was priceless.

Somehow an older male-female couple stumbled into the afternoon dance. I think they found us on the internet. They were very friendly when I greeted them. They told me they were VERY OLD. 80. Not so old, or at least they wear it well. Then they told me they were straight (in case I was confused?). I told them we were all delighted they were there and I hoped they felt welcome. (I mentioned the "straight" line to my mother today; she said "I guess we all feel that we have deficiencies.")

A sad note re the woman, M, I mentioned a while back who's sick. I spoke to her cousin yesterday (thank you JT) who said that M is doing very poorly and is still refusing visitors. I hope that M remains comfortable and is able to have many loving moments with her beloved husband.

On Thursday, my mother had fairly serious surgery -- a hip replacement. She is doing very well in part one of her recovery. Today she graduated to rehab. I imagine they'll work her pretty hard for the next week. I can't very well manage things from up here, but fortunately, she has a lot of help and caring people looking after her while she's hospitalized. (I did ask if she wanted me to come down for the surgery and she said no.) And fortunately, everything's going right so far. I am trying as best I can to act as spokesperson, sending out messages when news warrants. And next week I'll go down as she's being released from rehab. I hope to spend a few days getting her set up, doing a little cooking, perhaps scheduling friends for visits.

And on Tuesday, oh my. Will we soon forget the amazing inauguration? The costumes alone -- Aretha's hat, Michelle's dress -- were lovely. I was taken with Obama's speech even though a lot of people were not. I thought it well-spoken, well thought-out, and appropriately serious. I wish him well. Actually, I wish us all well in the next four years. Should be an interesting ride. I am very hopeful.

cultural duo about town

The last two weekends, we've seen a couple of fun performances.

Last weekend, we attended half of the New Works festival at our local community theater. From about 300 new plays, the group selected 20 and we saw 10, each about 8-12 minutes long. They were actually really good and well-acted too. One of my favorites involved a geeky guy who returns to his home town after he's invented something that's made him a lot of money. He runs into a woman he knew in high school, whom he dreamed about, actually, whom he's been googling obsessively, who's now a prostitute.

Another one concerns a man who has heroically saved a woman from a near-fatal car accident, one in which her children have died. He has looked after her in the hospital and has brought him home to live wth him when she's released. He is, in a way, her guardian angel. Except that through his own carelessness and uncaring, he caused the accident. Rather than undergoing arrest and imprisonment, he is sentenced to living with himself (and her). The whole play consists of their thoughts spoken aloud; they never speak to each other.

On Saturday, we went to a contra dance with live music, always a treat.

And on Sunday, we went to a concert of BSO principals playing in chamber format. We had been unable to attend the first concert of the year, so we got two extra tickets to Sunday's concert and invited two friends to join us. It was such a pleasure to share the experience.

This past Friday night, we attended another special night at a favorite local theater, one in which the regular actors get to choose scenes to perform. We saw a little Shakespeare, David Mamet, Lillian Hellman, Edward Albee, and Tom Stoppard. Some of the scenes made us laugh; others made us squirm. Good stuff.

And last night, we drove to a nearby town to see a friend appear in Harvey, one of those plays where the top-billed star never quite makes an appearance but you know he's on stage much of the time. Our friend did great credit to the role of Dr. Chumley, owner of Chumley's Rest, that terrifying prison of a mental institution that everyone is checking in and out of at an alarming rate. The theater company is small with almost no budget, but they did a great job. My friend reported his relief at hearing me laugh during the funniest moments and introduced us all around to the cast after the performance.

Today, we were supposed to see a friend but we had a snow storm instead. Much as I would have liked to socialize, it was very pleasant having at least some restful moments as we gazed out at the falling snow.

safe and sound (human); car, not so much

This week, a friend's car spontaneously burst into flames in his driveway. When he heard a loud noise, he got out to inspect, which meant that he wasn't trapped in the car when the automatic door locks engaged. Thanks to quick thinking by his neighbor, the firetrucks arrived quickly. Score one for the humans, not so much for the car. BTW, this is one of those GM truck combo things that my brother once presciently dubbed "Human Fecal Matter."

Right now, I'm just grateful that my friend was completely unhurt in the entire incident.

"service" people -- feh

I recently heard a good review about an online optical shop, a place for buying prescription eyeglasses over the internet. The price is so low that it rivals "cheaters" -- the magnifiers you buy at the drug store. So after I left my glasses at home again and had to wear an old pair at work all day one day this week, I thought it might be worthwhile to order a pair and see how well they work.

I selected a decent-looking frame (purple, of course), and took out my scrip from my last eye exam so I could fill out the online form. I got to a measurement not even listed on the scrip and saw that it is mandatory for the online experience. I read the online explanation of the measurement and was a little surprised by how firm they were. Then I found out why.

I called the optical shop where I've been getting glasses for years. No answer. I called the front desk. They promised that someone would return my call. The call came back fairly quickly. I asked for the measurement.
She: You have to come in.
Me: I've been buying my glasses at your shop for years and I know you have the measurement.
She: It might have changed.
Me: I've read that it doesn't change.
She: Well, you'd have to buy your glasses here.
Me: I've been doing that for years. I know you have it in your records.
She: I'd have to get management permission to give you that information.
Me: You are federally mandated to give it to me.
She: We can't be responsible if you buy your glasses somewhere else and they don't fit.
Me: I understand. You can only be responsible if I buy my glasses at your shop.
She: Oh, ok, the number is 53.

Sheesh. First she pretended not to know that I was a long-standing customer there, then she acted like she couldn't help me. And this is supposed to *encourage* me to be a repeat client?

street legal

The brakes in Robert's car were going, and I told him we could get along with just one car if he had the repairs done on a day when I was going to work. Unfortunately, the first available appointment was for today, one of my days off, when I thought I'd need my car. So Robert decided to rent a car to get himself to work.

This morning, he left the house fairly early to drop the car off. A while later, there was some kerfuffle in the house, and there was Robert, with no rental car, and not on his way to work after all. Turns out that when he went to rent the car, they took one look at his license and told him it had expired. Today turned out to be a "work from home" day.

So, this afternoon, I drove Robert to the nearest Registry of Motor Vehicles (which we affectionately call "the Registry" or the RMV). Going there has been a painful experience in the past. The RMV workers are known for their inefficiencies, for making you stand in line for 45 minutes only to tell you that you're in the wrong line and that you need to start all over.

This time was a little different. You walk in and stand in one line to speak to a "greeter". You are then assigned a number and told the approximate wait time. You sit on uncomfortable benches (at least there's a place to sit) until about three or four times the expected time has passed. When your number is called, you speak to the clerk. It's fairly efficient, fairly fair (although we did see someone "expedited" into line ahead of everyone else) and then you get a temporary license.

When it was all over, we celebrated by having lunch at one of our favorite vegetarian Indian restaurants before coming home so that Robert could finish out his work day. And when he picked up his car, he actually got to drive home legally. Phew.

why we create our own families

Today I spent a vacation day so that I could take a dear friend to day-surgery, wait for him, and take him back home. Turns out to have been some of the most non-invasive surgery imaginable (it's all done with lasers). Half-way through waiting, the nurse came out and said "He did great!" A while later my friend appeared from around the corner, a little the worse for wear, but I think only because of the pain and other meds they gave him, not because of the procedure itself. I'm hoping they got what they were after and that he feels a lot better.

We talked a lot on the way in, while waiting, and on the way home. One of the stories he told me sends chills up my spine. My friend M has three brothers, most, if not all of whom have spawned. He often tells me about how proud he is of his nieces and nephews -- of their education, their accomplishments, their weddings, and their children.

Apparently, a few years ago, he was invited to a niece's house in Vermont for some big family holiday, perhaps Thanksgiving. He made arrangements to bring his dog, stay in an inn, and was very much looking forward to seeing this niece, one of his favorite family members. I've met her, and she seemed so sweet, so lovely, so gracious.

About a week before he was to leave, he got a call from his brother who hemmed and hawed and basically disinvited him. M's heart broke because he knew that his brother's heart was breaking -- apparently this is the nicest brother and the most sensitive. M knew that the brother had been put in the position of choosing between his own brother and the rest of the family.

And what was the issue? That M has AIDS and the niece, her husband, and his family were afraid that M could somehow transmit it to the children.

M said that he perceives his niece, with all her education and world experience, to be a spoiled unpleasant little brat. With his typical grace, he said that he doesn't particularly want an apology from her, but he does feel that one is owed to his brother, the niece's father. This is one part of the family that has lost a faithfully loving and devoted uncle. And this is why we have to create our own families.

----
From my own perspective, I feel white rage about this stupid girl. I know about the New Year's resolution to practice unnecessary kindness. Can I target the kindness to people who really deserve it? Can I make some exceptions? Do I have to suffer fools gladly?

I'm sure I will be dealing with this girl again, most likely at various family events, most likely at funerals. I'm sure I can be polite and correct. I'm not sure, at least from where I stand today, that I can be very warm to either her or her husband.

second day

On the second day of this year, I looked out the window and saw crows -- perhaps seven of them -- plus a robin and a blue jay and a bunch of smaller birds. The crows were having their usual party out by the compost heap, taking turns standing guard in the trees and swooping down from some trashy delight. Crows are the tricksters of the universe, smart, wiley, resourceful. It's somehow reassuring to have them nearby and to know they like to visit.

An odd phone call from my father, whom I hear from rarely. It was brief -- he seems befuddled by the phone, always happy to hear my voice, and quick to ring off regardless of who called whom. He was really looking for my unfortunate brother's snail-dress but seemed happy with the e-dress, which is all I have. He told me that he's a grandfather, which makes me an aunt (a half-aunt?) to a baby whose father I've never met. My father has not met his granddaughter; there's apparently an odd story about the relationship that produced this precious child, who is now being raised by her mother's relatives.

I'm sure the year will get weirder before it's out; the adventures and stories never really do stop.

First day sighting

When we awoke this morning, we noticed that some small animal had had a romp through the snow this morning, perhaps a rabbit, with its precise little footprints.

Later, on this first day of the year, two humans and a cat were gazing into the back yard when an adolescent male deer came wandering through. Under the careful gaze of one grey tabby, he munched on a bush for a while, was startled by something towards the front of the house (wind? a neighbor?), melted into the background for a moment, then emerged and slowly, and with great dignity, meandered back into the woods, stooping to nibble random snacks.

I'm sure it means something good to see such a noble animal on the first day of the year; perhaps I should start my own tradition. Our visitor looked healthy enough; I hope he manages to survive the winter intact.