my unfortunate brother, again

I should mention that my unfortunate brother called and emailed while I was out yesterday and my mother left two casual-but-urgent messages on my voicemail machine. I'm usually not this popular!

Last night, after we'd been home for just a little bit, when I barely had enough energy to sit up, my brother called again and launched into a desperate plea for help. It turns out that he is being accused -- again -- of making harrassing phone calls to my stepmother. My father has allegedly cut him off -- again. And couldn't I just call our father, and plead on behalf of the brother?

Barely a hello, and certainly with no nod to my own humanity. I quickly stopped him and said I had nothing to give him at the moment -- I was exhausted, I was all used up. "But, but, but" and it started again. It took about three tries, but I did not actually have to hang up the phone first.

I am finally convinced that my brother cares not a whit about me. I think he got it right all those years ago when he said that he never really liked me. He knows all the right words to say, how to be cunning and charming. But his real goal is to establish a conduit to his father whose love and approval he is desperate for. I cannot cannot cannot help with that for so many reasons. I am not responsible for my brother. I cannot squander the delicate relationship I have with my father to repair whatever has happened between these two other people.

This morning, I sent a rather direct email to my brother, saying that we need a break. That no, I'm not going to carry messages to our father, and that the more my brother requests it, the more resolved I become. That not listening to me last night, that basically not caring and/or not hearing me, just made me mad. This morning, silence.

Except that I sent my mother email saying that I was exhausted and had no time. She called early (because she knew I was awake -- little does she know, or perhaps she chose to forget, that Robert often sleeps in on the weekend). She was very upset because she can't reach my father and because my unfortunate brother called her several times yesterday.

I had to say several times that I did not want to get in the middle. That my father is a big boy and can take care of himself, that my brother has alienated me and that I do not want to get involved. They will all have to sort things out amongst themselves.

I feel that I have given so very much to my brother, he who deserves so little. It is never enough because what I have to give is not what he is looking for. I am an unwilling stepping stone to something else. I feel that I need to stop trying, that I need to devote my energies to people who can give back, and who can truly appreciate what I can offer when I can offer it.

In my mind, I am not making a permanent break, but a temporary one. However, if it becomes permanent, I am willing to live with that conclusion.