The last week has been fraught for the paternal side of my family, spilling over to the maternal side. I've been trying to detach, to be available when I've had the energy, to at least attempt to be clear when I don't (not that my communications have been heard or attended to).
About ten days ago, my father was vacationing with his partner of 25 years and some friends. They were in Florida. My father snapped, his partner locked herself in the bathroom for two hours, and when she emerged, there was a horrible split.
My father took one of the rental cars and headed to the airport, where he called my mother and asked if he could stay with her for a few days. While in DC, my mother apparently "talked some sense" into my father. Her advice apparently did not involve the decision about maintaining the split or repairing things. Mind you, my parents broke up nearly my entire lifetime ago but have always maintained a fondness for each other.
Somehow, my father made his way back to Toronto, stopping off in a bar in Manhattan and bonding with the bartender and a patron (a playright whose play was opening that night). He stayed in a B&B for a few days, then I don't know where, and then, after a long day of negotiation, decided to move back into his own house.
This whole series of events has kicked up a lot of weird energy for both my mother and for my unfortunate brother, and they've both been calling a lot, ignoring my pleas in the latter part of the weekend that I've been too bone-tired to really offer much support or interest. Yesterday morning, when I told my mother that I really didn't want to hear about it, she apparently thought the statute of limitations was just a couple of hours. So last night, when she called and told me all about -- MUB has been calling her and asking her to intervene -- I didn't even have the energy to wave her off.
I have told my father that I just want him to be happy, that I do not know what the answer is for him, and that I will support whatever decision he makes. I have thought to my mother that it is a good thing that she is travelling internationally soon and won't think to call me for a few weeks. And I have told MUB that I need a break from him.
Tend to one's own garden before tending to that of others. Detach, stay steady, care but not too much, don't try to intervene in the drama because there's no way to affect the outcome. And get some sleep.
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6 comments:
You are making a very strong case for caller id.
RB -- you are so right. Thank you for that suggestion. Perhaps we'll get that feature added within the week.
No advice Liz, for such free advice from me is worth... :-} Families make themselves complicated.
Empathy, yes. That I can do. Thinking of you and wishing you well. Be good to yourself.
Sorry for the deletion - seems I can no longer type with any accuracy (sigh)
Along the lines of tending to my own garden before tending to that of others, another analogy that has helped me is this: in the event of a plane crash, apply your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs. This connotes an urgent situation in which logical thinking is paramount to personal well being.
Robi -- I often think about applying my own oxygen mask before assisting others. There are times when my own oxygen mask be damned, but not many of them.
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