contemplating worklife

I've been extraordinarily lucky in my work life. The longest period I've been out of work was a time of my own choosing. I've mostly networked my way into jobs and have had supportive recruiters otherwise. I've felt extreme loyalty to companies and to bosses, but after two layoffs, I've had far less allegiance to the companies I've worked for than to the humans who've managed me.

An old boss to whom I still feel terrifically loyal once said "People join companies but leave bosses." When I ended my time at IBM, I broke this rule -- it really was because of the company. The bureaucracy had become so overwhelming that it was nearly impossible to actually get anything done. At one point, a short-term manager told me that I needed to find something to do because if you didn't appear to be busy, you were basically bait for layoffs. Nothing was ever said about actually doing anything useful, just looking the part.

But my last company -- now there was as good an illustration of the rule as can be found. I had a boss there who was personally very sweet. I actually liked her a lot. As a boss, though, she had what might be called shortcomings.

She didn't really understand our domain. Some people in that situation manage out -- they recognize their strengths and weaknesses, find people who can complement their skills, and create a team that is more powerful than any individual member. Others, and this manager was amongst them, manage in, limiting the team to their own abilities.

This woman had an extreme short-term memory. Often, she'd make a task a high priority only to forget it the next day. Some of her employees would wait until she asked three times for them to do something to make sure that she really meant it.

She could contradict herself several times in the same conversation or over the period of several days or weeks, so that in the end, regardless of what you did, she could (and would) yell at you. If she asked you to do something and it didn't come out exactly the way she had imagined it, she'd furrow her brow and often your work would be discarded or dismissed.

And because she didn't understand our work, she didn't always understand the significance of our accomplishments. There was one piece of work that I did of which I was quite proud. It was innovative and a quick solution to a problem that many groups can take years to solve. I even presented my work at a conference and got very positive feedback about it. Part of the technique that I used to do this work was to perform a "card-sorting" exercise, made popular in the information architecture world. She always called it my "little card game."

In my mid-term review last winter, she praised that work, telling me how happy she was that I had done it so quickly, how important it was to our group, and how it laid the foundation for a good deal of work that our group would need to do in coming years. Last summer at my next review, she criticized me for the same work, saying that I had worked too slowly, and that while taking too much time, I had missed the opportunity to do other work that was of much higher priority -- work that at the time she'd said had to wait until later.

At my last review, this woman also told me that I'm not very productive. Ordinarily, I'd be upset by this type of remark, but it was so patently absurd that it was hard to feel anything but annoyed. When I mentioned it to a coworker, he said "oh, she says that whenever she doesn't know what to say." Joy.

I finally realized that I was never going to succeed in this job, that even if I did something well and was recognized for it, there was no guarantee that the assessment would persist. At that point, I pretty quickly wrote my resume and started quietly pursuing other jobs. I was starting to ramp up my efforts when my newest job came along.

And so far so good. I feel like a grownup working with a bunch of other grownups. I'm expected to prioritize my work and get it done. I'm of course keeping my boss posted. She in turn is being incredibly encouraging and kind, and supporting my decisions (though it would be fine if she didn't). The point is that I feel like I'm collaborating again, not swimming against the tide.

I joke about the PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that accompanied me when I left my last job. But it does feel like there's healing that's happening, and I definitely feel like I'm retraining my reactions to something more "normal" and appropriate.

And all the insomnia I was experiencing -- it was so easy to attribute it to being "of a certain age". It's just what happens when you're 49 and female. Except that it isn't. It turns out that my treatment at work was actually eating at me. It's so nice to be able to sleep again.