Today I spent a vacation day so that I could take a dear friend to day-surgery, wait for him, and take him back home. Turns out to have been some of the most non-invasive surgery imaginable (it's all done with lasers). Half-way through waiting, the nurse came out and said "He did great!" A while later my friend appeared from around the corner, a little the worse for wear, but I think only because of the pain and other meds they gave him, not because of the procedure itself. I'm hoping they got what they were after and that he feels a lot better.
We talked a lot on the way in, while waiting, and on the way home. One of the stories he told me sends chills up my spine. My friend M has three brothers, most, if not all of whom have spawned. He often tells me about how proud he is of his nieces and nephews -- of their education, their accomplishments, their weddings, and their children.
Apparently, a few years ago, he was invited to a niece's house in Vermont for some big family holiday, perhaps Thanksgiving. He made arrangements to bring his dog, stay in an inn, and was very much looking forward to seeing this niece, one of his favorite family members. I've met her, and she seemed so sweet, so lovely, so gracious.
About a week before he was to leave, he got a call from his brother who hemmed and hawed and basically disinvited him. M's heart broke because he knew that his brother's heart was breaking -- apparently this is the nicest brother and the most sensitive. M knew that the brother had been put in the position of choosing between his own brother and the rest of the family.
And what was the issue? That M has AIDS and the niece, her husband, and his family were afraid that M could somehow transmit it to the children.
M said that he perceives his niece, with all her education and world experience, to be a spoiled unpleasant little brat. With his typical grace, he said that he doesn't particularly want an apology from her, but he does feel that one is owed to his brother, the niece's father. This is one part of the family that has lost a faithfully loving and devoted uncle. And this is why we have to create our own families.
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From my own perspective, I feel white rage about this stupid girl. I know about the New Year's resolution to practice unnecessary kindness. Can I target the kindness to people who really deserve it? Can I make some exceptions? Do I have to suffer fools gladly?
I'm sure I will be dealing with this girl again, most likely at various family events, most likely at funerals. I'm sure I can be polite and correct. I'm not sure, at least from where I stand today, that I can be very warm to either her or her husband.
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Can I target the kindness to people who really deserve it? Can I make some exceptions? Do I have to suffer fools gladly?
Yes, certainly. Probably best not. Not at all.
Yes, the white rage is real and meaningful, and even right. Experience it, watch it go by and let it go on its way.
Kindness isn't always easy (call me if you ever need another blinding flash of the bleedin' obvious, will you?) :-}
Being more kind than necessary is the very definition of grace. And that, my dear Liz, is something you have in abundance.
Take good care of you - and M is most fortunate.
My young nephew wrote on his Facebook status recently, "(name) will be nicer if you'll be smarter." I laughed and groaned at both his youth and the bits of truth.
The fools, the mean ones...they definitely are the challenge. I struggle with that part it. Some days are more successful than others.
KjM and J, thank you both for your wisdom (and K - sometimes the wisdom comes in being the first to state the bleeding obvious).
I have the hardest time with meanness and cruelty. Some days it's all I can do to read "The Daily Kitten" because of how some kitties come to be available for adoption. My heart breaks.
And it's harder to watch humans get trampled too. Yes, I realize that much horrible treatment comes from inner exhaustion, confusion, and frustration. But when it's unleashed on another living being, it's hard to feel sympathy for the perpetrator.
In fact, it feels like a waste of time, at least to me. Not very productive, I realize, but there you have it.
The "why" of horrible treatment - in truth, there are never good excuses. There may be reasons, but horrible treatment cannot be excused.
The kindness, the being kinder than necessary, applies on both sides - you included. It is kinder to you to let the anger go on its way. And we should never leave ourselves out when we resolve to be kinder than necessary.
We sometimes forget, in the struggle to be kind to others, that we should also endeavor to treat ourselves with kindness.
And odd thing to forget, but there you have it.
This sad tale reminds me of a situation with my dear friend R, who is forbidden to see or speak with his two grandsons. His daughter, whom he rasied, married an Evanjelical Christian who will not accept his wife's father because he is gay. So the daughter sends a photo each Christmas. Lately R has started exchanging one-line emails with her, hoping for more.
Kindness to all would be nice. Sometimes it's awfully difficult in the face of ignorance. And sometimes, I think, the kindest way is to let go, and be kind to one's self.
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