father's day

Father's Day is coming up this weekend. I wouldn't typically send my father a card, but several years ago, my aunt mentioned that my father was hurt that he didn't get one from me, so now I always send one. I'm not sure if he was actually hurt or if my aunt thought he should be, but message received, and we reacted like grownups.

The thing is that my father moved out when I was three. He'd be out of touch for weeks (when we were all living in NYC) or months (when we were living further apart) at a time, though we've never fallen completely out of touch. The stories I later heard from both parents were not terribly attractive, though truth to tell, I think my mother tried to protect me more than my father did.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this story on my blog before, but one time, my sister and I were in Michigan visiting our paternal grandparents. Various relatives and friends would drop by, and I didn't always understand who they were. I tried to react as I was encouraged to. One day, a man came for a visit and seemed very happy to see us. We seemed to be expected to sit on his lap, so we did. And I was terribly confused about who this might be. I just followed the conversation very carefully (I was quite good at putting together grownup conversations) and eventually figured out that this was my father -- I hadn't recognized him and it didn't occur to any of the adults to tell us.

Since the most unpleasant beginnings with my mother, my father has become a charming and gentle person, someone whom nearly everyone falls in love with. He is kind and thoughtful and very funny. The only time in my life that I've ever heard him say something mean about another person was when that other person acted irresponsibly towards an animal. He finds cats irresistible. For a while, some of his best friends were acquired when he picked them up as hitchikers.

So every year, I go to the card store, hoping to find the perfect card. Here are some of the choices:

• Stupid: Themes on playing golf, lying on the couch, drinking beer, watching TV
• Sentimental: "Oh Dad, you were always there for me"
• From the dog: "Thank you for taking me on walks"
• Wise: "You taught me so much"
• Sappy: "I love you more than ..." whatever.
• Bad poetry: (don't even go there)
• Funny, or at least slightly amusing
• Confessional
• Friends who are like dads (how about dads who are like friends?)
• From daddy's little princess
• For my husband

OK, cute, appropriate for some fathers, and I'm sure all these cards will find good homes. But none of them really work for us. What do you get for someone whom you know very well in some ways but not at all in others?

I occasionally get a blank card and just write a short note. This year, I found a relatively cute cat card with a "hi" message which I think will do fine.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining about my father -- I'm not. And I'm well aware (and grateful) that my father is alive and kicking. As I write, I'm also well aware of many friends whose fathers are recently departed and severely missed. It's just that my father and I don't fit into those neat categories that the card companies seem bent on promoting. We can't even pretend, not even for one day.

Frankly, I grew up with this delightful man in my life, but not with a father. And yet, once a year, I am called on to acknowledge this person's role in my life as a father, or at least as my father. There is no path to follow, no pre-made model for this manufactured holiday, or indeed for any portion of our relationship. Sometimes we stumble through life, making things up as best we can, loving in the ways we know how.