It was a baby-shampoo day yesterday -- no tears. I wore black for the seventh day straight, and finally ran out of clean black clothes. So I'm switching to "somber" today. I'm not in the mood to wear bright colors, not quite yet.
I'm still not getting enough sleep, though I'm going to bed and waking up at reasonable times. It's the in-between that's so tough, with several hours a night spent awake thinking about how nice it would be to go back to sleep.
There were some kind things that happened yesterday; two of my team mates took me out for a belated birthday lunch, especially appreciated. And I received incredibly nice letters from the two places where I made donations in honor of Juliet's medical care team. The letters didn't make me cry, but they did touch me.
I'm still finding that I can spend a little bit of time downstairs with RP in the evenings, but after a while, I want to go zooming up to my room. This is an old habit, one I thought was mostly broken, that dates back to my childhood and involves safety and comfort. Right now, I'm relishing a little time by myself every day.
A part of me feels like I've "forgotten how to grieve," while another (perhaps wiser) part says to just follow my heart and deal with the consequences later. I can't tell if any of what I do is helping me or is a reaction to an in-the-moment impulse. For now, I'm trying to listen to myself and take whatever next step seems right to me.
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